You can delete as many apps as you want, but if you’re not happy with yourself, well, you’ll just be an unhappy person with fewer apps on your phone. The thing is … while abstaining from dating apps and social media can certainly work as part of your strategy to build self-esteem, it not, on its own, the solution. Never mind Grindr, never mind sex, and never mind being gay, Cold Turkey, that’s a dire situation for anyone to be in regardless. You’re putting yourself at the mercy of strangers and giving them the power to make you feel good or bad. I could believe that, indeed, I was an attractive person.īut when you’re operating from a negative like that, when you’re entering any activity with the mindset of “I need this to validate my existence,” you’re only setting yourself up for failure. I thought someone like that would have authority that I didn’t have, and their approval would let me walk through life with a pep in my step because I could believe them. In my most miserable days of trolling for crumbs of validation on sex apps, my stakes were unreasonably high: I wanted someone out of my league (whatever that means) to tell me (or show me) that I was attractive. It’s about what I’m looking for, why I’m looking for it, and what I expect finding it will do. It’s not the act of looking that’s the issue. Because sometimes I’m just horny or bored or wanting to chat with a stranger. But in the process of looking for it as one might look for a snack while staring at an open fridge for an hour, I have a few questions I have to ask myself: What are my stakes here? What am I feeling? And Could I be spending my time in a better way?Īnd you know, sometimes, everything checks out fine and I stay on Grindr or Tinder or wherever warm bodies are piloting flattering profiles with various degrees of honesty. I often struggle with this too, Cold Turkey. But everyone I know is gay, and gay men in particular seem much more likely to have this crisis: Am I hooked on validation from other men? Other people probably do too, loneliness being a key human element and all. If my mailbox is any indication, you’re hitting on something here that a lot of gay men wrestle with. Is it worth it to keep swearing off men for a while, or am I just depriving myself of a basic human need? On the other hand, I’m worried that I’ve become a needy person who can’t be happy without male attention. On one hand, I know that it’s perfectly normal to crave intimacy with other humans (especially in times like these). But alas! It has been over a month, and I already feel the quintessential “gay loneliness” void opening back up inside me. I deleted The Apps™, I ended my ongoing flings, and I stopped posting thirst traps every other day. When quarantine began, I figured that I could use self-isolation as an opportunity to reset my habits and become less dependent on external validation. Even when I try to be more independent, I only last for a few weeks on my own before I throw myself back into the dating scene.
Whether in the form of dates, hookups, or casual crushes, I need a guy’s attention to keep myself satisfied. Ever since I came out of the closet, I’ve been a bit of a compulsive dater.